The Rules of "Nice"

I'm reading this book "Reunion: the girls we used to be, the women we became." It's about the lives of women 25 years after graduation from an all-girls' private school in Manhattan. The author, Elizabeth Fishel, one of the girls, spent time with her (living) classmates after their reunion to learn how their sheltered upbringings and old-school education influenced their lives post-1968 -  a period of changing societal/gender norms. Fishel found that these women had to "unlearn" how to be "nice." She describes the rules of "nice" this way:

"Nice is the social graces, dressing for dinner, and putting others needs before your own. It's smiling to cover your fears, camouflage your pain... Nice is 'what would people think?' and 'one doesn't do that, does one?'..." She goes on, but you get the gist.

It's not 1968 anymore, but I see women playing nice all the time: "I'm sorry", "I feel bad", "I don't want him/her to hate me." Women are afraid to assert themselves or afraid to say what they really feel because the boss might not like it, or their direct reports might hate them. Women are afraid to acknowledge personal success among peers because they fear jealousy and gossip. Women who keep playing nice, then, must accept that when others make their opinions known freely, and share their successes, the others are giving management an opportunity to take notice. 

You know that saying, "Well behaved women rarely make history"? Totally true at the office-level: Women who play "nice" won't make partner, manager, or CEO. To unlearn "nice", Fishel illustrates, you have to realize it's ok to be "not nice". "Not nice" doesn't mean "mean". And you don't have to be "well-behaved" to still behave. Years, decades, of rules about being "nice" hammered into our consciences tells us that speaking out is unbecoming, that correcting someone when they err may be offensive, and humility is always better than boasting. These are fine rules for maintaining community with peers, but when it comes to leading them, the rules of "nice" can't apply. 

Challenge: try for one day - maybe even a whole week - to ignore the rules of "nice" and not worry about what others (mostly you) think. Give your opinions the floor every time it's open, give criticism (when it's due), and allow yourself praise for work well done (because it's absolutely warranted). Compare your observers' reactions to the reactions you expected, and measure your results. The worst outcome from this experience is that you retreat back to status quo. The best outcome is you earn new respect - not only from your observers, but from yourself.